Hello, and welcome back! 

Once I had fully settled into the recognition and truth that I’m transgender a few months ago, it became a part of me that was desperately aching to be revealed. I had a whole plan of how I wanted to make this happen. For context, I thought it would be helpful for me to recap what I’ve been up to that has led to this point. 

I’ll preface this by telling those of you who don’t personally know me that this was not my first time coming out. I’ve been out of the closet as a gay/queer person since my early twenties, so I’m not unfamiliar with the process. Still, there was something about coming out as transgender that felt more anxiety-provoking and vulnerable than the first time around. I wasn’t sure if this part of me would be accepted as easily as being gay was.  

I spent most waking minutes during the entire month of September in “Operation Coming Out” mode. I knew I wanted to start sharing my story publicly through a website and social media pages, so I began the process of developing a name and logo for the project. The name TransMetamorphic and the image of a cicada felt perfectly fitting and resonant with the whole process of my internal and external transformation. Building the website proved to be a bit more challenging than I had anticipated, but I slowly turned it into one that I’m proud of. I established the social media handles and had them in stealth mode while they waited to be revealed. In the middle of putting all of this together, I was also working on crafting coming out letters to send to my friends and family. Overall, the letters were certainly the most difficult endeavor. I wanted to make sure they were informative, heartfelt, and compassionate towards everyone who would read them, so it took many weeks and many drafts before I felt like they were ready. 

I didn’t really have a plan as far as which day to send them, but on the evening of October 4th, 2024, I found myself satisfied with a final draft. The buildup of everything to that point had created such an overarching energetic tether that I was unable to really focus on anything else. I knew I needed to just bite the bullet by sending the letters and launching all my digital platforms. As I sat at my computer attaching the PDF to emails and texts, I could feel my insides begin to shake and my heart was fluttering with anticipation and nerves. Part of me couldn’t believe what I was about to do, but I just kept reminding myself that this is my truth and it was time to give it wings.

The immediate responses that I received from most of my people were overflowing with more love and support than I ever could have foreseen! Many were not surprised with my news and clearly had an inkling about this part of me even if they couldn’t have named it in the past. Some sent me messages filled with heartfelt advice and inspiring quotes about embracing this time of stepping into my authenticity. Overall, I was showered with comfort and grace. 

Although the overwhelming response so far has been very positive, there is one individual very close to me who still has not responded or even acknowledged my letter to them. Their dismissal of me in this way has been very difficult to process, and it’s been extremely hard not to fixate on their apparent lack of love and compassion towards me. Unfortunately, there have been many moments where this heartache has overshadowed all of the optimism, hope, excitement, and freedom that I’ve been feeling since coming out. It’s distressing to not have a clear understanding of how to move forward with or without this person who means so much to me. 

I also received a response from one of my parents that opened up a lot of validation and clarity for both of us. They sent me a text that read, “I love you and I’m happy for you and I get it!” followed by “I have a story about all of this from when you were a baby.” I was so curious to hear what they had to say! When I spoke with them, they told me there was an extremely vivid memory they had held on to since I was a baby. They were laying me down to change my diaper and as they stood there gazing at me, they couldn’t help but think that my appearance and essence was more that of a little boy than a little girl. They never admitted this to anyone, and that observance and image in their mind has stayed with them all these years later. They also talked about how in baby photos I never quite pulled off the look of a “little girl in a dress,” almost like my appearance seemed out of place. I’m sure these experiences left them feeling a bit bewildered and confused. It was 1980, so language, conversation, and visibility surrounding the gender spectrum was even more absent from mainstream culture than it is today. They told me they wished this hadn’t been the case so they could have recognized and supported me in my gender variance at an early age. I wish this hadn’t been the case, too, but I understand that’s just not how our society worked in the 80’s, and I impart no criticism or shame on them. 

Not only were they unsurprised by my news of being transgender, they were also extremely relieved to hear it. They divulged how, for my entire life, they have felt sad for me and helpless as they observed my battle with an ambiguous, unnameable struggle that has always impeded my ability to thrive. Hearing their words caused me to have a lightning-fast replay of my entire lived experience on a visceral level where I felt their previous pain and newfound relief alongside my own. My wife was sitting beside me and, perceiving the impact of this moment, took my hand to hold. I began to choke up as I let myself fathom that my unawareness of my identity has been a struggle not only for myself but also for those who love me and want nothing more than to see me live up to my full potential and happiness. I want nothing more than that, too. Now that I’m figuring out how to align my inner and outer being to my true identity, I finally feel like I can begin steering myself towards brighter, happier, and more fulfilling horizons.

I have so much more to write about in regards to my own personal experiences and ways of being during my childhood, but will save these tales for future posts. For now, I’m just utterly relieved that I’m finally out, and extremely excited to continue on this journey.