Trans Day of Visibility is celebrated annually on March 31st. On this day last year, my awareness of myself as a trans person was still very fresh and raw. At that point in time, the only other person whom I had shared that piece of my identity with was my wife. I woke up at the crack of dawn that day and was scrolling through my Instagram feed over a cup of coffee. One after another, there were posts honoring Trans Day of Visibility. Many of them were from various queer organizations, but there were also posts from transgender individuals that I was following. I remember reading through all of their various messages and stories, feeling how proud and inspired I was in realizing that I’m a part of their incredible community. At that moment in time, I had the sudden urge to put up my own Instagram post and share my identity with the world. I wanted to exuberantly splash across my feed the message that, “Hey friends, guess what! You know a trans person!” It took a considerable amount of effort to reel all of my excitement back in as I recognized I didn’t want my family and friends to find out about me in that way. Now, one year later, I’ve been proudly and publicly living in my trans authenticity for several months. It makes me so happy to have this platform to share my trans experience with you all. Thank you for being here on my journey with me.

As of today, I am 12 days post gender affirmation surgery! On March 19th, I underwent a drain-free double incision mastectomy with nipple grafting and torso masculinization with liposuction – two major surgeries at once. The morning of, I woke up with zero sense of anxiety, worry, or stress. My surgical time wasn’t scheduled until 12:30pm, so I had many hours to fill beforehand. I found myself pacing around, propelled by excitement and anticipation. I knew my parents would be worried, so I FaceTimed them. Their immediate response upon seeing me on video was to point out how happy and smiley I looked! They could feel my kinetic energy right through the phone screen, and I could feel how my sense of calmness was helping their worries to subside a bit.

Around 10am, a Lyft driver came to pick up me and my wife, and we started the 45 minute drive to the surgery center. Even as the miles flew by, I never felt any sense of hesitancy or angst creeping in. I was, as they say, cool as a cucumber. We arrived at the New Image Surgery Center in Plantation, FL, with plenty of time to spare. As a trans person, it’s usually a little unnerving for me to enter new spaces, not knowing who I might encounter. But everyone at the practice was friendly, professional, and kind to me. There was never a point where I felt uncomfortable or unsafe. After waiting for a bit, my nurse summoned for us to follow her. I was taken to a small room where I changed into a hospital gown, and then was given an IV. Then Dr. Sidhbh Gallagher came in. She had me drop the hospital gown and stand in front of her while she used a felt pen to mark her surgical planning on my skin. As she did this, she reiterated that I was a good candidate for the surgery, and she was optimistic that I’d end up with favorable results. (I do have to say – in every encounter I’ve had with Dr. G, I’ve been so grateful for her easygoing nature and exceptional bedside manner – two unusual traits for a doctor of her caliber.) Not long after that, the anesthesiologist came in to talk with me and verify my medical history. After a few minutes, I found myself kissing my wife goodbye and followed the anesthesiologist down the hallway. We entered a small surgical suite, and I immediately noticed the relaxed vibe of the room which I was grateful to feel. I was helped up onto the surgical table, and the team proceeded to commence in some good-natured chit chat with me as they placed an oxygen mask over my nose and mouth.

The next thing I know, I can hear the voice of my nurse saying, “Vinnie, you’re all done. You did great!” (The “time travel” aspect of anesthesia is so surreal!) Slowly, I started to become aware of my body and senses again. The first to return was my hearing, as I further attuned to my nurse’s voice and the beeping sound of the vitals monitor. I was still really out of it, and my eyes felt like they were glued shut. I could feel my shorts and hoodie being eased back onto my limbs. The sound of the metal zipper on my hoodie being pulled up is what prompted my eyes to finally peel themselves open. Prior to my surgery, I wore this hoodie often. It’s simple, off-brand, plain black, and makes me feel inconspicuous. I always wore it open, layered over a t-shirt, and never zipped it up since the tightness of it would cause immediate dysphoria. As my eyes slowly adjusted back to the room, I glanced down at my torso. My favorite black hoodie was on my body, zipped all the way up…and the zipper was laying FLAT on my chest! The corners of my mouth turned up in relief and happiness. This was my initial moment of post-surgical trans euphoria!

My mouth and throat felt as dry as a desert, and I began to notice the areas where I was feeling pain. Unfortunately, their post-surgical plan is to get the patient recovered from anesthesia as quickly as possible and then out the door to head home without pain meds, liquids, or food. This is to prevent nausea and sickness on the way home, which I can appreciate. However, it did make for a very long 45 minute car ride back to our rental. My chest was still numb from the nerve block they had given me for the surgery, but my abdomen and flanks were extremely sore and sensitive from the liposuction. I had purchased a mastectomy pillow which we had brought in our luggage all the way to Florida, and had made sure to bring to the surgery. This was extremely advantageous for cushioning my body from the seatbelt, and I found that hugging it helped ease me through the pain.

Once we finally returned to the rental house, it was already late in the evening. My wife dosed me with the pain medications, and got me propped up in an oversized leather chair in the living room. I had thought ahead and purchased a few large bed pads that we had brought with us to protect the rental furniture. Luckily, we had already laid those over the chair because the incisions from the liposuction were leaking quite a bit. (This is normal.) Neither of us got much sleep that night. Every 4 hours we were up giving me a dose of medicine, ambulating me around the house to prevent blood clots, managing the leakage from the incisions in my lower abdomen, and bringing me to the bathroom. I had been placed in two compression garments while I was still in the operating room – one around my chest, and another around my abdomen. Having that much compression around my thorax was pretty uncomfortable, and also very immobilizing. All I’ll say is that my wife is an absolute angel for having to do so much for me, especially in those first 24 hours.

The next morning was my post-op appointment with Dr. G. Fortunately, her office was only 2 miles from where we were staying, so we didn’t have to endure another long ride in the car. We arrived at her bright and cheerful office and were escorted to a private room. One of Dr. G’s assistants came in to take the bolsters and sutures off of my nipple grafts. When the office had first told me that my post-op would be the very next day, I was surprised and extremely leery about having the bolsters off so quickly. I was assured by Dr. G. that this is actually a good practice because it allows her to catch any problems much sooner in the healing process. Most people have to wait a whole week for their “nip reveal.” I feel so lucky that this wasn’t the case for me! The assistant first removed both of the compression garments, and there was a moment of pain as my tissue expanded. I looked down at my new torso for the first time. I could see all of the swelling and bruising of my abdomen, the yellow foam bolsters bunched up on each of my nipple grafts and held there with dark black sutures, the large Frankenstein incision and surgical tape stretching across my chest. Everything looked so gnarly and felt so sore, and still I was absolutely elated at my new appearance! The assistant then proceeded to snip the sutures and remove the bolsters from my nipple grafts. Shockingly, I didn’t feel a thing since the nerve block in my chest was still active. With the bolsters gone, I glanced down again with a grin on my face and nodded in approval of the size, shape, and placement of the nipple grafts. I was already so pleased with my results! The grafts then got covered with antibiotic ointment and a bandaid, and soon after Dr. G came in to survey the results of her work. She too was pleased with how everything appeared, and helped me get back into the abdominal binder which I’ll be wearing 24/7 for six to eight weeks. With all of our post-op instructions in hand, my wife and I bid our goodbyes and hailed a Lyft back to the rental house.

I had worn the same black hoodie to my post-op appointment. As soon as we arrived back at the house, I needed to change into a short sleeve due to the heat. My wife helped me slip the hoodie off my arms, and applied some topical arnica on my back to help with muscle tension. I wanted to be sure to let it soak into my skin, so proceeded to walk around the house topless for a bit while it dried. Prior to surgery, I never felt comfortable being unclothed, even if I was home alone. I was completely ashamed of my body, and felt embarrassed to be seen naked, even by my wife. I went into the bathroom and headed towards the full length mirror that was suspended on the wall. For the first time in ages I looked at my reflection and felt a smile bloom across my face. I could see how much more masculine my torso already looked, and all of my chest dysphoria seemed to vanish in that moment. As I stood there observing myself, I noticed my left pectoral muscle inadvertently twitch. Huh! I immediately thought of all the body building guys who flex their pecs for show. I wondered if I could do the same, and laughed out loud as I realized that I could! I called my wife into the bathroom so I could show her too. We both stood there for a few seconds giggling at my newfound ability. I did a little more walking around the house and decided to FaceTime my mom. She was shocked at how vibrant and energetic I was, and again pointed out how happy I looked. All of a sudden, I was able to articulate how different I was already feeling. With the chest dysphoria being relieved so emphatically, I more clearly understood just how debilitating it had been for me. I told her how I had been shirtless and smiling ear to ear since getting back to the house, and how I had absolutely zero sense of shame or embarrassment. Even as ugly, lumpy, bruised, bloody, and swollen as I am, I finally love how I look and have a sense of confidence in myself that I’ve never experienced before. This is my trans euphoria, and I wish the same sense of freedom and release for all of my trans sisters, brothers, and everyone else under the trans umbrella.

Below, I’m attaching some post-op photos. Please be advised that if you don’t want to see bruising, blood, and surgical incisions then do not scroll past this point.