It’s been so hard to think about writing blog posts with all that’s been going on in the world. Lately my attention has been very pulled towards trying to keep up with the news and figuring out how I want to show up in acts of resistance. As I write that sentence though, I’m reminding myself that this creative project and even just my visibility as a trans person are ways that I’m resisting, and that makes this very worthy of my time and efforts.

This past week marked four months of me being on testosterone therapy. I have changed just enough that I think I’ve officially crossed the threshold into a more androgynous appearance. The reason I say that is because I’ve started noticing the sideways glances and confused intrigue on people’s faces when I’m out in public. There’s an interesting dichotomy at work here. On one hand, every part of me wants to be recognizable as a queer and trans person. This is significant to me as proof of my existence to those who would deny it, but more importantly I want other queer and trans people to be able to feel a sense of camaraderie when they see me. I know how much it lights me up inside when I see others like me out in the world, so I want to make sure those people can see me too. On the other hand, it does make me pretty uncomfortable to feel like I’m being clocked by people who may wish to harass me. This hasn’t happened as of yet, but I’m very aware of the potential for it. I find myself being very self-aware and hypervigilant about my surroundings when I’m out and about. I simultaneously try to take note of the people around me while also being very careful to keep my head down and not draw any extra attention to myself.

A few weeks ago I had my first awkward experience in a public restroom. My wife and I were eating in a restaurant that didn’t have a gender-neutral or family restroom option. Even though my appearance is gradually shifting away from looking female, most of the time I still get called “ma’am” by strangers. I certainly don’t feel like I belong or would feel safe in the men’s restroom at this point of my transition, so I chose to go into the women’s. When I entered, I was relieved to see that I was alone. I did my business and went to the sink to wash my hands. As I did so, the door to the restroom opened half way and then abruptly closed again. A second later, it opened again and a women entered. She obviously had been very confused when she first saw me, and had closed the door to check and make sure she wasn’t going into the men’s restroom. She walked in very hesitantly, presumedly surveying the situation and glancing down to see if she could see someone’s feet in either of the stalls. I could feel how uncomfortable my presence was making her even though I had kept my head down and was minding my own business. And her discomfort was making me uncomfortable. In an effort to try and help her know she was safe, I looked up at her pleasantly and tried to make my voice sound as feminine as possible as I said, “both stalls are empty.” This didn’t really seem to help, so I prematurely shut the water, tore off a paper towel to dab my hands dry, and left the restroom as quickly as possible.

That interaction bothered me for the rest of the day and ever since. It felt really lousy to have a woman feel leery and unsafe around me just based on how I look. Ironically enough, this is exactly the type of situation that legislators aren’t considering when they insist on everyone using restrooms that match their sex assigned at birth. I don’t even have a beard or look fully male like so many trans men do, and I still caused a woman to feel uncomfortable sharing a restroom with me. Conversely, because I don’t pass as fully male, I am scared to death of going into the men’s restroom. I hate that I had to choose one or the other, and wish that there were gender-neutral options in all public areas.

In January I had switched from testosterone cypionate to testosterone enanthate. I did this to curb the allergic reactions I was having to the cottonseed oil in the cypionate. When I first started on it back in October, I seemed to tolerate it without any issues. But after the first few weeks I began to develop a rash at the injection site, no matter where I chose to inject. Each subsequent week the reaction became increasingly worse – getting itchier and itchier, and then started to develop red areas around the injection that were hot to the touch. The last time I injected the cypionate, it was in my left thigh muscle. A day later my entire thigh was red, swollen, and felt like it was on fire. Super uncomfortable! Thankfully, since switching to the enanthate I haven’t had those issues. The enanthate is basically the same drug at the same dose, but it’s suspended in sesame oil which my skin seems able to tolerate.

At this particular point in my transition it seems as though my physical changes from TRT have somewhat plateaued. I do still feel my voice resonating deeper and deeper in my chest. Most noticeably, I am definitely hairier than I was! My body hair is filling out on my legs more, and has started to grow on my lower abdomen a bit. My facial hair is mostly fair so it’s hard to see, but I’ve been noticing it growing in more and more, especially in my sideburn area. A few weeks ago I ordered a reusable razor from Henson Shaving in anticipation of the need to deal with feeling unkempt. As an aside, I just have to say that I’m so happy about this purchase! The razor is a classic single blade that’s manufactured with aerospace technology to lessen skin irritation, and I’ll be able to use it for the remainder of my life which is a major bonus, especially environmentally. Anyway, I put it to use for the first time last week! It was such an interesting sensation to shave my face, and I found it difficult to try and shave around my upper lip and the sides of my mouth. I was able to clean up the sideburns just fine, but otherwise feel like I didn’t do a great job since I was so nervous about nicking myself. I guess it’s just going to take some practice. The only other physical change that I’ve really noticed is that I’ve started to have some mild hot flashes again. Luckily, they aren’t nearly as frequent or as intense as what I had been experiencing pre-T. My best guess is that this is just my body temperature adjusting appropriately to the T.

In other news, I received an email the other day from the U.S. Department of State which said that my passport application has been approved, and my passport book is currently being printed. Part of me is shocked that the application actually went through, considering the nightmares that other trans people have been dealing with. I had requested that my gender marker be changed to male, but I don’t expect them to have honored that. Still, I’ll be very relieved to have my passport and supporting documentation back in my possession, regardless of the gender marker issue.

In exactly two weeks my wife and I will be heading to Florida for my top surgery! As the days lead up to us leaving, we’ve had many conversations aimed at getting us primed for a successful trip and surgical recovery. There are so many extra factors to consider with the added complication of traveling. We’re both wanting to opt out of the biometric screening at the airport, and I’m hoping I can concurrently fly under the “gender police” radar. We came up with a coded phrase to say to each other if either of us get the feeling that we’re in an unsafe area or situation. Mostly though, we’ve talked a lot about the type of support that each of us will need post-op. I’m extremely fortunate to have a partner who is so committed to helping me have a safe and successful recovery. She’s going to have a lot on her plate for awhile while I’m relatively useless, so we’ve also thought about what she’ll need in order to recharge and take care of her own well being. For the most part, I think we’ve crossed every t and dotted every i. I feel as prepared as I could hope to be, mostly because I’ve spent a lot of time watching social media videos from other people who have gone through this type of surgery. I’m so grateful to these individuals who have taken the time to chronicle their experiences and provide helpful tips and advice. Say what you will about TikTok, but I have learned so much from the people I’m acquainted with on the platform and have found it to be an invaluable resource for the trans community on many levels. This is a huge part of my incentive behind deciding to share my own journey.