I’ve been finding it difficult to keep up with my blogging. Not because I’m not interested in doing the work, but because it takes so much time for me to write. My brain isn’t what it used to be, and the personal things I’m writing about often require a fair amount of deep-diving. Overall, I also tend to bite off a bit more than I can chew and feel like I’m always juggling too many things at once. My ADD makes it difficult to choose one path for the day and stick with it. So, much of the time, my avoidant tendencies end up taking over and I find myself neglecting things in my life even though I really want to be spending time on them. This has been a pattern of mine for my entire life, and it’s something that I’m really trying to remedy because I understand how it stunts my forward movement.

At the beginning of this year, I made it my goal that I would write at least one or two blog posts each month. My last post was on New Year’s Eve, and so far, I’ve neglected my writing for the entire month of January. The chaos of this month has certainly been one of the factors contributing to my blogging procrastination. I think everyone on the right side of history is feeling the same as me – that we’re just trying to make it through each day one hour at a time. Staying fed and hydrated alone sometimes feels like a monumental feat when you’re being flooded by a barrage of hateful political news headlines. It’s a struggle every day to try and stay informed without being overcome by doom. Maintaining even small amounts of hope and positivity has required willful determination, and some days I need all of that energy focused on the practicalities of just trying to live here on Earth as a human. BUT, today is the last day of January, and I still have time to meet my blog post quota for the month. Nothing like the pressure of the 11th hour of an impending deadline to get me motivated to do something.

I don’t want to have this entire post be about politics, but I would be remiss if I didn’t mention how the current political climate has been affecting me. Prior to the inauguration day, I knew to expect the absolute worst. I hadn’t read all of project 2025, but had browsed over it enough to have an awareness of the absolutely cruel plans of all the henchmen who organized and wrote it. Still, I’m experiencing some shock at the rapid-fire pace of appalling and disturbing news we keep being inundated with. There’s only so much of that stuff you can absorb, and I know my daily tolerance for it keeps lessening. The deliberate target on trans and gender-nonconforming people is beyond abhorrent. A few days ago, it was the 80th anniversary of the liberation of the Auschwitz concentration camp. I became aware of this milestone from a post I saw on Instagram that was describing the origin of the pink triangle being used by the Nazis to identify and persecute LGBTQ+ people. This wasn’t new information to me, but for the first time in my life I found myself recognizing a sense of dread creeping up inside of me as I understood that this could happen again – this time, imposed by the very “democracy” that for 80 years has proclaimed, “never again.” It’s shameful that we, as a human race, still have not figured out how to learn enough from our past transgressions to prevent them from repeating.

This new administration’s anti-trans policies are already directly affecting me on a personal level. If you’ve been reading my previous blog posts, you’ll recall that I started taking action on my name and gender marker changes immediately following the election. My motivation for doing so was highly driven by wanting to do everything within my power to ensure my continued access to testosterone therapy regardless of any attempts of restriction. If my social security card, driver’s license, passport, and birth certificate all state that my name is Vinnie and I’m male, technically this will allow me to continue on TRT if for no other reason than as a treatment for “endocrine disorder.” I figured this would be my best way to dodge any policies that may end up eliminating hormone replacement therapies as treatments for gender dysphoria. 

Unfortunately, changing all of this documentation is not a quick process. First, I had to go through the probate court to change my name legally. Next, I visited the social security office to update my name and gender marker. Then it was off to the DMV to do the same. It took a few weeks for my new license to appear in my mailbox. As soon as it did, I got the paperwork gathered to change my passport and mailed it to the state department. By the time all of this was said and done, my passport application wasn’t received by the government until exactly one week prior to inauguration day. Prior to mailing it, I knew that I was cutting it awfully close to the change in the oval office. My hope was that the paperwork would start to get processed and just fly under the radar during the changeover. I never could have predicted that within the first week the new administration would halt the passport applications for individuals seeking gender marker changes. I’ve been able to check on the status of my application. It confirms that it was received and that the accompanying paperwork is in the process of being reviewed. I’m not sure what to expect at this point. My best guess is that I’ll eventually receive my new passport, but that it will still have my sex listed as female. In the meantime, it does put me on-edge to know that the state department has my current passport, the application containing all of my information, and a certified copy of the court order for my name change. For all I know, they could be adding me to some sort of database of trans people. It sounds crazy, but look at all the other unethical and immoral shit they’re trying to get away with. There is zero part of me that trusts the government. 

As of writing this, my top surgery is only six weeks away! The level of excitement I feel is similar to what I used to experience as a kid waiting for Christmas or my birthday. The day can’t get here soon enough! The surgeon I chose is in Florida, so we’ll be flying down and spending a week there. Traveling to that state is really the only thing I have any worries about. It does feel a bit like we’ll be entering the lion’s den. However, we’re going to Miami which, in many areas, is about as gay as you can get so I’m sure we’ll be fine. Everything inside of me vibrates on a higher level when I think about being on the other side of my recovery. In my daydreams since I was a kid I have never envisioned myself as I actually appear in real life. I was always picturing myself rescuing the archetypal damsel in distress as someone who felt the same as me emotionally and intellectually, but also unmistakably exuded the essence of a boy. My outward appearance was always an idealized version of what I wished I looked like: an athletic guy with pecs (not breasts); a tapered look from shoulders to waist (no hips); and strong, muscular arms with a hint of definition. I escaped to my daydreams a lot. In retrospect this makes so much sense since I loved how I looked and felt in those visions, while usually cringing at what I saw in the mirror. The concept of shapeshifting has always held a high level of fascination and intrigue with me, and it feels like my top surgery is kind of bringing that magic to life. The power of anesthesia is essentially going to make me feel like I took a 5 minute nap and woke up as a different person. Poof! Magic. Don’t get me wrong, I realize that the recovery period is substantial and that it’s going to take a lot of discipline if I want to achieve a moderately toned look. But even the simplicity of having the breast tissue removed so I no longer feel it on my body is going to be majorly euphoric. I’m counting down the days! (46 to go!) 

Last week was my 45th birthday, and my first one since changing my name to Vinnie. I wanted to be very intentional in doing something nice for myself to commemorate this milestone. Many months ago, I stumbled upon the author Novae Caelum, who writes sci-fi novels centered around trans and nonbinary characters in a universe where patriarchy doesn’t exist. I had never seen or heard of books like this before! Needless to say, my inner child was ecstatic and I knew I wanted to read them. I decided that the perfect birthday gift to myself would be the first four books in the “Stars and Green Magics” series, and enthusiastically placed the order with the author. Afterwards, I sent an email directly to Novae. I wanted to try and convey to them the magnitude of how much it means to me that their books exist, and to thank them for the gift of their creative expression. I also mentioned that I was purchasing these as a special gift to myself to have as a token of my first birthday as Vinnie. Surprisingly, they wrote back within minutes to thank me for the order, wish me a happy birthday, and to ask if I’d like the books personally made out to me – the gift couldn’t get any cooler!

At most there have only been a handful of fictional books that I’ve read that have contained a trans character, and only one where the protagonist was trans, albeit subtly. I can’t help but think that I would likely have understood my gender identity at a younger age if books like these had been known and available to me. I’ve had people make off hand remarks to me about how they don’t understand why trans people want to make sure they’re seen everywhere, and why their gender identity is being “rubbed in everyone’s faces.” It’s so hard to remain composed in these situations. I try to explain that trans people are just living their lives like everyone else, and that our visibility is what helps other trans and gender nonconforming people recognize that they’re not alone. We are everywhere, and always have been. It’s vital to be able to see yourself reflected in books, on tv, in movies and music, and in people you walk by at the grocery store in everyday life. I want to give some food for thought for any cisgender (all that means is not transgender) people who are reading this. Our culture heavily revolves around heteronormativity. This means that when you as a cis person watch a movie or TV show, pick up a magazine, or read a book, you automatically see yourself represented – so much so that you don’t even have a conscious thought about how normal that feels to you. That is privilege. For transgender and gender nonconforming folx, the experience is opposite. We are usually searching for characters who resonate with our gender identities, and most of the time we don’t find one. This is why Novae’s books are so significant, and why I am so thrilled to read them. This will be the first time in my life that I’ll be able to get lost in a world where gender norms and rules are left out of the writing formula by design, and I can’t even describe how cool and affirming that feels to my inner child. THIS is a perfect example of what “Trans Joy is Resistance” means to me.

Addendum

Less than an hour after posting this, I saw a post on Instagram concerning the latest discriminatory cheap-shot of our new administration: The U.S. Department of State Bureau of Consular Affairs has removed the “T” from LGBTQ+ throughout their website. Also, when you search the word “trans” it says, “No results found for search term ’trans’. Did you mean: trains?”

NO. We most definitely did not mean “trains”. On the bright side, if I don’t exist, then I guess that means I also don’t have to pay my federal taxes.